LO4: Revised Script

Below is my completed revised script, with improvements on the original in red.

On the above page, you can see that I added "upbeat incidental music" to the script to accompany the voiceover and visuals. This was an improvement based on client feedback - The Writers Group said music would add atmosphere and a pace to the film. I chose upbeat music for the Sheffield section to go with the busy city shots. This will later create a contrast with the countryside, adding to the "nature documentary" genre. In addition, I added more shot variety (e.g. "level shot" and "panorama" instead of just wide shots) to make the film more interesting for the viewers, which was another suggestion from client feedback.

I added a title to this page of the script, which displays the name of the film over a shot of countryside. This was suggested by The Writers Group to make the film more professional. It is also a good introduction to the setting for the rest of the film for the target audience of ages 35 and over. It clearly gets across the "nature documentary" genre of the film. Further down the page, you can see that I added "calm non-diegetic music" for when Castleton is introduced. This contrasts the bustling city with the peaceful countryside more than the visuals alone, something the target audience will appreciate.

Here, I added a little bit more dialogue to the script. Phrases such as "winding paths" and "peaceful environment" will resonate with the target audience of ages 35 and over, as they will appreciate these aspects of the countryside. The phrases also obviously reflect the genre. Elsewhere on this page, I have added more music to the script for the introduction of Buxton based on The Writers Group feedback, as well as more varied shot types.

Again, calm music was added to the script here based on feedback to aid the peaceful theme of the countryside.

More dialogue was added here to relate to the target audience. "Green landscapes" is a phrase which would resonate with their passion for the countryside, while "a part of the market town of Glossop" would make those with local knowledge feel more involved in the short film.

I added more varied shot types here, including an "insert shot", "establishing shot" and "canted angle". As The Writers Group said, these shot types make the production more immersive and high-quality for the viewer. I added a large chunk of dialogue too, with phrases in like "nature and its tranquility" and "another world to walk through the undergrowth". The new piece of dialogue reflects the "nature documentary" genre once again, while creating a connection with the target audience.

More calm music was added to the script on this page.

I added a new camera movement on this page, a "tilt upwards", as well as a "panorama". This was done to add interest for the viewer based on client feedback. I also decided to add new music on this page to go along with the abandoned road setting. It will bring the location to life for the viewer and also reflect the genre, as the countryside can have all sorts of deserted but beautiful locations.

One of the main suggestions from the Writers Group was to add a montage of shots contrasting the Peak District with Sheffield. I added this to the script on this page, and it is important because it will create a strong link between the two locations which is seen in the title "Peak Sheffield". When this montage is seen by the target audience of ages 35 and over, it should evoke their feelings towards the countryside while they listen to the newly-added music and also the voiceover. As this is done at the end of the documentary, it will leave them with a lasting impression.

On this last page, I added a roll of credits to the script, with music playing over it. The Writers Group suggested this improvement along with the title at the beginning in order to make the film more professional and complete. The roll of credits will allow the audience to absorb what they have just viewed while they listen to calm music.